Joy
I'm trying to remember the last time I woke up and was excited about the day.
There used to be a lot of these - Christmas, my birthday, vacation, end of school, there were a number of days that you could hardly wait to happen.
Now, I struggle to wake up and it takes even longer to realize what day it is, and then all I can do is go through my mental calendar of all the things I have to do and I hate to say it, but none of them bring me joy.
Joy
Oh my gosh, I am so sick of people writing about joy.
Joy
When did I lose the joy in my life?
I doubt I could pinpoint the day.
Was it a specific day or a sequence of events? Is this what everyone feels?
Joy
I see people blog about it, write about it, make signs about it, and the whole time I want to call their bluff and see if they think that saying it out loud enough or writing it often enough will make them feel it.
Or do they feel it and I am the outlier?
I'm not sure if joy and fun are related but trying to remember the last time I had fun is almost as distant as the last time I felt joy.
Fun
What is fun now?
Is paying off a debt fun or does it bring me joy? Not really. It is like the tide and the ebb and flow of one wave just puts another in my forefront that needs to be dealt with.
Recently I got a notice that my loan payment didn't go through. I've had problems with it in the past because one bank couldn't talk to the other one with the result being fines and late charges. This time, with zero fanfare, it was because that loan was finally paid off, a loan for two cars, only one of which I still have, and the other that is about on its last leg. Yea.
Joy
That didn't bring any joy because that $350 per month now needs to pay off hospital bills that I have been trying to pay off for over two years!
Fun
The other day one daughter insisted on us going to the movies. It was the first one I've seen since mom's birthday which she spent in a rehab facility. The next day she had a massive stroke and never recovered. While I enjoyed the movie, the guilt I feel for leaving mom that night was at times overwhelming.
Fun
A vacation? I didn't plan one this last summer and I don't know what stopped me but it was just as well since the time we had planned to leave turned out to be the day of my mom's funeral.
Fun and joy
You see people on TV, Facebook, Instagram, showing sheer joy while having fun. I admit, it just makes me jealous because I don't see a break any time soon to have that.
I do feel joy when the sun is shining or displays of patriotism or a genuine smile. Every now and then someone surprises me with a small display or acknowledgement that I have come to value even more. I do feel joy every time another big load of stuff is removed from my house. I have truly loved the sense of separating myself but the overload that most cabinets, closets, and drawers have been in.
Fun is obviously something I need to work on. I am reticent about planning anything that takes me away for more than a couple of hours, although I was trying to plan a week's vacation. I used to think taking a week away from my life was fun and it was but now with cell phones, we don't really get to escape, do we?
Fun and joy
Maybe just acknowledging that I am having trouble finding them will help me purposely work towards those goals.
Or maybe I will call my own bluff and know I am just pretending.
There used to be a lot of these - Christmas, my birthday, vacation, end of school, there were a number of days that you could hardly wait to happen.
Now, I struggle to wake up and it takes even longer to realize what day it is, and then all I can do is go through my mental calendar of all the things I have to do and I hate to say it, but none of them bring me joy.
Joy
Oh my gosh, I am so sick of people writing about joy.
Joy
When did I lose the joy in my life?
I doubt I could pinpoint the day.
Was it a specific day or a sequence of events? Is this what everyone feels?
Joy
I see people blog about it, write about it, make signs about it, and the whole time I want to call their bluff and see if they think that saying it out loud enough or writing it often enough will make them feel it.
Or do they feel it and I am the outlier?
I'm not sure if joy and fun are related but trying to remember the last time I had fun is almost as distant as the last time I felt joy.
Fun
What is fun now?
Is paying off a debt fun or does it bring me joy? Not really. It is like the tide and the ebb and flow of one wave just puts another in my forefront that needs to be dealt with.
Recently I got a notice that my loan payment didn't go through. I've had problems with it in the past because one bank couldn't talk to the other one with the result being fines and late charges. This time, with zero fanfare, it was because that loan was finally paid off, a loan for two cars, only one of which I still have, and the other that is about on its last leg. Yea.
Joy
That didn't bring any joy because that $350 per month now needs to pay off hospital bills that I have been trying to pay off for over two years!
Fun
The other day one daughter insisted on us going to the movies. It was the first one I've seen since mom's birthday which she spent in a rehab facility. The next day she had a massive stroke and never recovered. While I enjoyed the movie, the guilt I feel for leaving mom that night was at times overwhelming.
Fun
A vacation? I didn't plan one this last summer and I don't know what stopped me but it was just as well since the time we had planned to leave turned out to be the day of my mom's funeral.
Fun and joy
You see people on TV, Facebook, Instagram, showing sheer joy while having fun. I admit, it just makes me jealous because I don't see a break any time soon to have that.
I do feel joy when the sun is shining or displays of patriotism or a genuine smile. Every now and then someone surprises me with a small display or acknowledgement that I have come to value even more. I do feel joy every time another big load of stuff is removed from my house. I have truly loved the sense of separating myself but the overload that most cabinets, closets, and drawers have been in.
Fun is obviously something I need to work on. I am reticent about planning anything that takes me away for more than a couple of hours, although I was trying to plan a week's vacation. I used to think taking a week away from my life was fun and it was but now with cell phones, we don't really get to escape, do we?
Fun and joy
Maybe just acknowledging that I am having trouble finding them will help me purposely work towards those goals.
Or maybe I will call my own bluff and know I am just pretending.
Comments
Post a Comment